Survivor’s guilt

When death strikes in our lives and hits one of our family members or close friends.. many ideas come swarming into our minds. Death is such a sharp contrast to life. It`s very emotionally draining. I received a comment on a post I wrote about o how to deal with grief from Mandy asking me for help on how to deal with the guilt he was feeling after his mother and grandmother died on the same day. He believed that there was something that he could have done and guilt was plaguing him. So I decided to write this post as a thorough answer to this idea of guilt that comes to haunt us.
Ideas that maybe we could have prevented this from happening. We wonder.. what if? What if I had done this… or that?…
In order to address this issue, first we need to understand why death exists.


The reason death exists is because of sin.

Sin has come into this world and we suffer the unfairness of it all. It has plagued humanity and the Creation as a whole. As you can see in the following verse:

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Even though the consequence of sin is death, Jesus took the penalty upon Him and saved us from the second death (spiritual) which is eternal separation from God. Through Him we have victory over death. This is why Paul writes that death loses its sting. We can focus on the life that God has brought to us through His son.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57
O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power.
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

God works everything for our good.

Death is horrible, but God in His sovereignty uses everything that we go through in life for our good as you can see in the following verse:

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The understanding of this verse is a very difficult concept for our human limited minds to fully grasp. It took me a long time (and many hardships) to become fully aware of and embrace its deep meaning. Now, not only do I understand it, but I also hold this Bible verse as a fundamental truth that grounds me.

The time we have on this planet is so small in comparison to eternity. When I see soap bubbles, it reminds me of how God must see the time that we have here. So small and fleeting…
I will write more on how God`s sovereignty works out all things for our good in another post.
Right now I want to focus on solving the feeling of guilt that may come over us when we lose a loved one.

This feeling of guilt stems from the lie that we could have done something to save him or her. That maybe if we did this or that.. they would not have died. Unless we have directly caused the death, there is no reason to feel guilty. Of course there are deaths that have been caused by other peoples` indifference, stupidity or simply evil intentional murder. In these cases, the people who caused the death are responsible for their actions and guilty before men and before God.However, if we have not killed the person, then guilt should not enter our hearts.

Our time on this Earth is already determined.


We all have a certain time to live on this planet and a time to die. This is not determined by us or by other people.. rather the Infinite Creator is in control of the ultimate outcome.
Here are some verses in Scripture that prove this fact:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot.

Job 14:5
Man’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.

Psalm 31:15
My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body; All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

We can`t add a single hour to our lives.

Also, when teaching about worry, Jesus mentioned that no amount of worrying would add a single hour to our lives.

Matthew 6:27
And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

The premise of his entire teaching was that God was in control of all things. So you see the time we have is in God`s hands.

Jesus knew that his time of death was determined by God the Father.

Also when the pharisees were trying to kill Jesus.. He hid from them because he knew it was not yet his time to die. Here are the verses that prove this:

Matthew 12:14-15
But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus. But Jesus, aware of this, withdrew from there. Many followed Him, and He healed them all…

John 7:1
After this, Jesus went around in Galilee, purposely staying away from Judea because the Jews there were waiting to take his life.

He knew that His time had not yet come.

John 7:30
At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him, because his time had not yet come.

John 8:20
He spoke these words while teaching in the temple area near the place where the offerings were put. Yet no one seized him, because his time had not yet come.

What but when His hour did come, He did not hide from the Pharisees.

John 13:1
It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.

John 17:1
After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: “Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you.”

Christ lived to do the Father`s will.

Matthew 26:39
O My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me: nevertheless not as I will, but as You will.

He told Peter to put away his sword because no one was taking His life… He was willfully giving it away .. That it was God`s will for Him to die at that time. He could ask God to send angels to save Him if He wanted to (but that was not God`s will).

Matthew 26:52-53
Put your sword back in its place, Jesus said to him, for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.
Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and He will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?

What we can take from all of this is that we can rest in our Father`s arms. We can hold onto Him and base our lives on His truth.
When we understand and trust God.. peace comes into our hearts. Peace that nothing in this world can compare to. Knowing that God is good and just and that the time that our loved one died was the best time for him or her is essential for us to heal.
The only way to have unshakeable everlasting peace is to completely surrender to God`s will. This is essential in order to develop a relationship with God.
Many people have experienced near death experiences and have said that heaven is just so wonderful that they don`t even remember pain or fear. They have said that it is too wonderful for words.
And Scripture also tells us that what God has in store for those who love God is so great that no mind can conceive it.

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him

When things look dire on Earth we need to dream about heaven… Focus on the Eternal where there will be no more tears.

Revelation 21:2-4
I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God … And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

I would like to finish this post with divinely inspired music by Paul Stoke to help you heal. I have put two videos below. The first song is for you to calm down.
The second song reminds me of how God gives us wings to fly above our problems. I envisioned myself flying above the clouds with His angels when I first saw it.
When listening.. Say a prayer to God.. ask the Holy Spirit to come over you… help you… and be with you through this difficult time. Get close to God and He will fill you with His Presence. He loves you sooo much and wants to hold you in His arms through every step of your recovery from grief.
I can assure you that this pain will pass. I have gone through it and now I am healed. You can be healed too.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.

Blessings always ღ

Eren Mckay

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