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How to deal with grief and loss

By Eren Mckay  
Filed under Miscellaneous


 
Hi! I'm Eren Mckay and I would like to thank you for reading my blog. I provide helpful tips for families in their daily lives and educational resources for teachers.


Grief is an experience that changes us deeply.

After experiencing grief, our entire view on life changes. We can clearly feel the difference of how we were before and after it. Those events are like landmarks that forever change our inner most being.
Life looks, feels, and even tastes differently. There’s a saying that goes like this: “What doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger…”
That saying is true for some people but not everyone is able to understand how to get stronger after traumatic events. My hope is that this article can somehow shed some light to help those who are experiencing grief to move forward and overcome the place that they are at.



Choosing to flourish in the midst of hardship.

We all have moments of being weak, fragile or even insecure. After all, we’re human. The question is, how do we get ourselves out of that state? If you look at the people who have overcome huge obstacles in life, you’ll discover that they all have a lot of inner strength. How were they able to overcome? In the middle of all the problems, they gained a perspective that empowered them. They reached deep down inside and discovered their true being. They latched on to that with all their might and pulled themselves together. While this epiphany may not happen overnight for everyone, it is possible. Someone who has overcome great loss and and moved forward is a true warrior at heart. If they can keep going even after tremendous grief, whatever else life throws at them they will be able to look straight in the eye.


Different situations cause mourning.

Each person’s circumstances are different surrounding grief. Death is not the only experience that causes someone to go through this extreme emotional pain. Divorce or being heart broken because of a lost love that for some reason couldn’t happen are also causes for grief. Everyone has their unique story.


I can honestly say that I understand grief.

It’s been 2 years since I went through the devastating experience of losing 8 loved ones in a time frame of 6 months. 5 of those deaths being in a time frame of 45 days. All the while, other things were happening such as we were in the midst of moving, we had been robbed, and I was physically ill while caring for our 3 boys. (There are more things but too many to list them all here.) I know what it’s like to feel like the world is crashing down on top of your head. While each person’s circumstances surrounding grief is different, the road to recovery many times follow similar patterns.


Will it ever end?

When we go though grief the emotional pain is so big that we sometimes wonder if we will die from that hurt. We ask ourselves that question because it seems like the pain will never end. It’s just so real. It feels like a sword with flames of fire piercing through our hearts. And that fire spreads through us causing insomnia, lack of appetite, and other symptoms. It’s so strong that it clouds our judgment. We start to believe that it will never stop hurting. While our feelings seem to tell us that it will never end, many people have rediscovered joy after extreme grief. You also can find this happiness once again. Don’t lose hope. There will come a time when your heart will be mended.


Give yourself time to heal.

When going through grief, my biggest desire was to get back to the feeling of being “normal”. We all want to get back to that state, but in order to get there, we must allow ourselves time to heal. Some people take longer than others. We shouldn’t dictate a time limit of how long it will take to recover. Every person and each situation is unique. Requiring yourself to act like you’re fine when you’re not is not going to help you heal. Rushing the process can only backfire if you’re denying the truth about your feelings.


Asking for help is actually a good thing.

There are certain things that can really help us recover. One of the biggest lessons I learned is that it’s okay to ask for help. Trying to deny that we need others will only keep us in that state for a longer amount of time. This is a great time to reach out to your trusted friends and ask them for help. You want to stay close to empathetic and non judgmental friends. They will help you through.


Discovering constructive ways to release emotions.

Many times people don’t face their feelings. They “sweep it under the rug” so to speak and keep living as if everything’s fine. The fact is that those emotions will come out in some form. It’s better to get them out in a positive way than to reap the consequences of not dealing with them. But how do we get our feelings out?
Here’s a list of ways that can help you work through it all:

   • Allow yourself to cry for emotional healing.
   • Talk things out with a trusted friend
   • Record yourself talking and listen back to the recording.
   • Keep a written diary.
   • Keep a prayer journal. (By the way if you’re a Christian, you’ll
      enjoy these Christian prayer journal printables.)


Once you get those thoughts out in the open you can evaluate how to deal with them. You can also see which thoughts aren’t true. This is essential in order to get into the right mindset and for healing to fully take place.


Ask yourself what really makes you happy.

Once you have worked out many of your feelings and thoughts, the next step is to reconnect with what brings you joy. This is an exercise that requires you to take a hard look at who you are and what you enjoy. When you’re experiencing grief, you may not feel like doing anything. But you definitely had times of happiness in your life. Take yourself back to those moments and remember how you felt.
What events, objects, people, and songs brought joy to your heart? What sounds, colors, smells, and textures made you glad? Write out a list of all of these things. Think about hobbies, movies, and even cartoons. Don’t restrict yourself thinking that something is childish. Discover the little things that make life beautiful. Express your real self and be who you are. Bring happiness into your life by surrounding yourself with what you love.

Embrace the new.

There’s a saying that goes like this:

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

The depth of that saying lies in the fact that you have a choice to make. There are things that happen that we can not change. We need to come to terms and accept those things and purposely decide to focus on what you can make a difference in. You can either embrace the new chapter of your life or you can remain stuck. The power is in your hands.


Discover your goals

Once you have made the decision to embrace this new chapter, you can discover your goals. Goals and dreams bring you long term fulfillment. What dreams bring you excitement and make you feel empowered? They can be simple as long as they motivate and inspire you. Latch onto your dreams. Visualize yourself having already achieved them. Thinking of them will help keep you focused and give you the strength to take the necessary steps to get there.
Even though you have not yet achieved them – you can “take yourself there” through visualizing it. When you visualize, you are in fact experiencing the future that has not yet arrived. And when you do this you are empowering your soul to take the steps to achieve your dreams. By doing all of these things you will reconnect with your true self and discover internal strength to move on.

What about you? What are your experiences with overcoming grief? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. And if you haven’t yet signed up to our newsletter, you may do so by clicking on this link and filling in the form.

Blessings always ♥,
Eren Mckay

By the way, here are some other articles that will help you deal with grief:

twitty
 

28 Comments on "How to deal with grief and loss"

  1. Kim Randall  

    Thank you so much for posting this. I can completely relate to this blog as I have been dealing with the loss of 4 family members for about 2.5 yrs now. The hardest one was my own Dad and even today, 2 1/2 years later, I feel the tears coming on at times.Thank you again for writing this.

  2. miriam  

    My grief is a selfish one,the loss of a best friend.The selfish part is the affair that lead to this friendship.We have both broken it off,and are with our spouses.No contact is the only way to go,but i still miss him and he misses me.We are doing whats right as we both are working on our marriages.I don’t miss the physical part just the friendship.It feels like self inflicted torture.I’m letting god lead me the way to a happier marriage as my husband deserves that much,i have hurt him and i need to show him i still love him.I’m praying everyday for god to give me the the power to look forward,so i can forgive myself as my husband has forgiven me.

    Just for today,
    I will gather courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.
    Thanks Miriam

  3. McQueen  

    There is a saying that time heals all wounds. Generally, that is true but for some people, time doesn’t make a difference at all when it comes to their pain. I think the crucial thing is to be able to know when you need help in dealing with the grief so that you don’t end up being seriously depressed.

  4. Eren Mckay  

    @Kim - Sorry to hear about your loss. This post took me a while to write. But the truths in it are what really have gotten me through. We just need to keep reminding ourselves of the truth and keep our minds in the right place.

    @Miriam - I understand how you feel. When this happened, a part of you that should not had been given to this other man was given to him. You need to take that part of you back- (your personhood.) It was not God’s will that you gave this part of you to him. It should have been reserved for your husband. I know that you know some of this but I’m trying to shed some light into what exactly happened inside of you so that you are able to move forward.
    A piece of your identity was given over. You need to regain your identity (which got attached to him) and your self esteem. You need to rediscover the true you. Tap into what makes you happy and what goals you want to achieve here on Earth. These goals will empower you.
    Discover the songs that make you feel empowered. Discover the images that give you strength. Think of these things always.
    Reach inside of you and rediscover yourself. Reread this post and let God speak to you as to how to do this.
    Make new friends and develop deep relationships with good people. We all need those. I have friends that I love so much – they help and fulfill me in a deep way. This also will help you. (Just choose your friends wisely.) I pray this truly helps you in some way ♥.

    @McQueen – Asking for help is something people tend to not do. (Big mistake.)Acknowledging our needs we will be able to recover.

    Thanks so much for commenting my friends.
    Blessings always ♥,
    Eren

  5. Sire  

    I think that for some people they just learn to live with their loss. I know a man who lost his son tragically and you can see that he is not as he once was even though the loss happened so long ago. It’s like a part of him is missing.

    I think that this may apply to a lot of people which is why you sometimes sense something different on the anniversary of the loss of their loved ones. Man is pretty resilient, and if he has God watching over him, it is a huge comfort.

  6. Eren Mckay  

    Hi Sire,
    I’m sorry to hear about the man that lost his son. My biggest motivator for writing this post was to somehow help others be able to overcome and move on. Emotional pain can be paralyzing and I don’t want others to stay stuck in it. And yes, my faith in God is also was gets me through.
    Thanks so much for commenting.
    Blessings,
    Eren

  7. Sire  

    That was a long time ago, and while he has moved on I can see he is not quite the same. I think he is the exception to the rule though Eren, and I’m sure that your post will help those who read it to see that there is hope at the end of the tunnel of despair.

    Sorry if the comment seemed contrary to the post Eren. I didn’t mean it that way and I won’t mind in the slightest if you remove it :)

  8. Eren Mckay  

    Hi Sire,
    Me? Remove a comment of yours? No way in a million years. (That is, unless you wanted me to).Why would you think that? I loved your comment.
    I was simply tying in what you said about the example of that father with the reason why I wrote this post. I felt first hand the effects of grief. I still see many of my family members spinning as a result of a lot of suffering.
    I was explaining the “behind the scenes” of what really motivated me to write this and why it means so much to me.
    Your comments are always welcome on my blog Sire. I admire your writing and you as a person.
    Blessings always ♥,
    Eren

  9. Sire  

    It’s all cool Eren. I just thought that perhaps my comment took something away from your post, and I didn’t want to do that at all. Sometimes in these sorts of situations I’m not sure of what to say. Usually I say nothing at all. I’m glad I didn’t overstep the mark. Thanks Eren.

  10. Walter  

    Grief or loss is a very painful experience for everyone. What you have shared here for overcoming this great test in our life can be very helpful, if and only if, one chooses for recover. Unfortunately, many easily give up and close their hearts to any opportunities of healing. The pain is too much for them to handle and they believe they are not capable of recovering; consequently they die inside.

    Every test that we experience in life we have the power to overcome. We need to be strong enough to redeem ourselves. :-)

  11. Bart from SLC  

    I like your take on how to deal with grief. My brother lost his only son in child birth and it him pretty hard. I feel a splash of the pain, but what gets me even more is that its difficult for me to help him with *his pain*.

    What would be some of the best ways to really comfort those who need it, keeping in mind that they are likely to push you away/have issues etc?

  12. Eren Mckay  

    @ Sire – It’s all cool. Your comment didn’t take away- it added :-D .

    @Walter - Yes I agree that it’s a choice that one needs to make. Although many times the pain can be so great that it clouds our judgment. I myself have at times thought it would never end. This is where someone that is going through grief needs the help and support of other people surrounding them to remind them that there is a way out. And yes we need to focus on the power to overcome. Tapping into that power is a process and may take time.

    @Bart - The best way to comfort someone in grief is to let them be and do what needs to be done without judging them. If they want to yell and cry to get it out- let them do so. If they want to listen to loud music- let them do so.
    Grief takes us to a point where our minds can not take any more negative things. When our friends and family start to tell us what we “should” be doing instead of helping us it just loads on the guilt and drives us deeper.
    I have clearly told my family to not say or do certain things as those make me worse. They are now starting to “get it”. The sad thing is that not everyone that is experiencing grief has the assertiveness to truly explain this to their loved ones and they just suffer in silence.
    Your brother needs to write, cry, and talk out his feelings. Then he needs to rediscover joy and move forward. Send him this article- maybe it will give him some ideas. Just be there for him. I hope this helps.

    Blessings ♥,
    Eren

  13. Michigan Web Design Grand Rapids - Kim Smith  

    GREAT post, Eren! I can hear your heart in the words and can tell that this was not easy to write about. I know you have suffered great loss and I hope that writing this post will not only help many others, but that it has helped you in your journey, as well!

    I also have suffered the loss of two very close people in the past couple of years. My grandparents, who were more like parents to me than grandparents, both died within about 2 1/2 years apart. We were their primary caregivers for the last several years of their lives and I got very, very close to them–especially my grandmother.

    I still miss them very much and will just start crying from the grief from time to time. I know this is all normal, though, and it takes a long time to truly recover from losing someone so close. My husband encourages me to allow myself to cry and let the healing process take place. I hate the feeling of not being able to control my emotions, so it frustrates me (I’m a bit of a control freak!)…but I know he’s right.

    Thanks for your post and for being so transparent. You’re a good friend, Eren! Blessings to you!

    Kim

  14. Matt  

    This post reminds me of 1st Peter 1:7. My business partner in a previous business of mine used to always say that fire either purifies and strengthens…. or it consumes. Your post is inspiring because it helps us to find ways to make sure the tough times strengthen and purify us. Thanks!

  15. MommieKate  

    What a fantastic article on grief/loss! I really identified with the part about wondering “will it ever end?” Over the past year my husband and I have dealt with the deaths of his mother, my two pets, our business, my two grandparents, and most recently an unborn child. Despite the challenges we overcome and are even stronger each time. God’s grace and mercies cause us to triumph over circumstances. Your post will encourage and give perspective to all who read it.

  16. Eren Mckay  

    @Kim - Yes. I have waited to write this for quite some time. I now understand what it takes to pull through. It’s a process. One that we just need to keep working at. The more we work at it, the better we will get.
    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandparents. Your husband is so right. When we remember that Jesus cried and He is God we understand that crying is a good thing. I’m so glad this post helped you in some way my friend.

    @Matt – I can remember many years ago I was in a plane. I looked out and I just saw the greatness of God overlooking the clouds with the sun shining through. And it was right there that I heard God’s still small voice say to me: “I am going to take you through the fire.”
    I just sat there. Knowing I had heard Him but not truly understanding what that meant. Now that I look back and see the fires I have been through I remember what He said to me on the plane. And how I had no clue how hot the fire would be. But going through it has given me another perspective on life and I’m grateful that now I see things the way that I do. He’s molding us each day with each experience….

    @MommieKatie - Wow. That is a lot to deal with. I’m so sorry to hear about all that pain. Just know that even if you can’t see the why right now – there is a why. God is working in us and through us. I’m so glad this helped you.

    Blessings my friends ♥,
    Eren

  17. BK  

    I agree with Walter that one needs to make a choice to heal. However, what you have shared here will be a good guide for most to follow. End of the day, they will have to learn to let go and move on. They need to understand that losing someone doesn’t mean forgetting about the person; the person they lost will always be close to their hearts.

  18. Eren Mckay  

    So true BK. The hardest part is learning to let go. Understanding that letting go does not diminish our love for that person but simply accepting that it is the only way to survive.
    If we don’t let go we won’t be able to serve our purpose. We won’t be able to discover joy once again and help others.
    The hardest part is when we think we’re ok and then the waves of grief are triggered by little things. A picture, a memory or just a thought.
    Having a list of our goals that we want to achieve and things that make us happy near us to look at – those are essential. Also thinking about the people that we love who are still alive and need us. These things have helped me a lot.
    Thanks so much for your comment- really appreciate you coming by ;-)
    Blessings ♥,
    Eren

  19. Gary of GanderCo  

    Hi Erin, My name is Gary and I follow you on Twitter as @GanderCo.

    Weird timing! I came here just to check out your blog and leave you a comment, but didn’t expect to find such a powerful post! Wow! I won’t go into to much detail, but I’ve also had a string of bad things to happen starting with my Grandmother dying this past August 13, 2009.

    FFWD… You may remember that I’ve just had Total Hip Replacement Surgery this past Jan. 22, 2010 (at the tender age of only 43). But I HAVE found an Amazing person to talk to on a regular basis that has been a Tremendous Help! (nothing Romantic, purely professional).

    I’m thankful though for all the positive things that I DO have to look forward to! To your readers I’d like to say…

    Keep a positive attitude and keep your chin up! When you fall, it’s ok. You may even want to just stay down for a while and rest, that’s ok too (but not TOO long though). You can always get back up and keep on keeping on! It’s never too late to “Start Today” to make things better than what they may otherwise be!

    Stay Boosted!

    Gary Anderson II
    aka- @GanderCo

    P.S. Love your blog! I’ll be by more often :)

  20. Ching Ya  

    I thought I have left a comment here last week, maybe it didn’t get through.. I’ll try again here. :)

    Our life is full of unexpected incidents. When we’re getting older, a lot of times we need to deal with grief and loss. Time heals, that’s very true Eren. Emotional release and continuous praying, can help us get through the tough times. Things will come to pass eventually. May we all have faith and strength. A very thoughtful post and some really constructive points for us to think through.

    @wchingya
    Social/Blogging Tracker

  21. Maria @ Conversations with Moms  

    An extremely well written article. I had no idea that you went through such loss. I agree that it’s important to ask for help. There are too many people out there that don’t know how to ask for it but it’s so important.

  22. Eren Mckay  

    Hi Gary,
    Thanks so much for sharing what you’ve gone through. Finding people who we can relate to and empathize with our situation is such a great blessing. I believe God gives us those friendships at just the right moment. Being positive is definitely a choice that we need to make and it most definitely brings us joy. As you always say: Stay boosted… love that!

    Ching Ya,
    Hi my friend ♥. You left a comment on the family bonding article :-) .
    Yes praying and emotional release is essential. I’m so glad you liked it.

    Maria,
    I wrote about asking for help because I sometimes have a hard time doing that. I guess we’re so taught that we need to be strong and know how to do things that asking for help feels like admitting defeat. But it’s not that…. It’s more about acknowledging our humanity, our needs, and that’s something we all need to do. Thanks for coming over my friend.

    Blessings ♥,
    Eren

  23. Mary Gallagher  

    Eren, I am grateful and glad you moved through this process your way. It is freeing to move at your own pace, drawing strength from within through God to guide you. Thank you for becoming the person you are, in grief, in spite of grief, and beyond grief, publicly expressing your experience.

    Reaching for a feeling of relief from wherever I am is the best way I have of dealing with grief today. There are people that I would never have met if I hadn’t asked for help along the way.

    I’ve heard it said that we will always choose our own life experiences, even if there was a pot of many others’ life experiences for us to choose from… Even in the tragic and difficult circumstances, there is always a message, a lesson, a gem to admire. Thanks.
    With love, Mary

  24. Eren Mckay  

    Mary…I really loved what you said. That there are people you would have never met if it weren’t for having experienced the grief and asking for help.
    It really makes me stop and think about the fact that I have made some deep friendships because of grief. I have understood life in such a different way and discovered things about myself that I didn’t know.
    And the last thing you said is just beautiful and so true!

    “Even in the tragic and difficult circumstances, there is always a message, a lesson, a gem to admire.”

    l♥ve always,
    Eren

  25. John Soares  

    Eren, these are excellent suggestions for dealing with grief.

    Life has cycles, with inevitable low times. But it also swings around to again bring us joy and happiness.

  26. Eren Mckay  

    So true John,
    Since my experiecne was so strong, it took me a while to discover what really works and how not to allow ourselves remaining in that sad place.
    Once I had found the answer, I truly felt compelled to share this with people. So many don’t have a clue as to how to overcome. It’s not easy but it is possible.
    So glad you stopped by. Hope to see you more times.
    Blessings ♥,
    Eren

  27. Alex Newell  

    super post on a topic that is shunned by so many.

    I hope it does not seem trivial by comparison but redundancy can also trigger enterprisingly deep feelings of grief – as if the former work self has died.

  28. Eren Mckay  

    Hi Alex,
    Really big changes that we go through can trigger feelings of grief. Anything that requires change will require us to have to let go. And this can also happen in work related topics too.
    All the best,
    Eren

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